Luxury All-Inclusive

I’ve never been one of those ‘plan a trip for 9 months’ type of people. To be honest I don’t really enjoy that type of waiting to go on vacation. I’d really rather decide where i’m going a month or two in advance, put it on my credit card and slowly pay it off later.

Last year(2016) I did attempt the long term trip planning. We put deposits down in February for a trip that wouldn’t actually commence until October. The waiting was terrible! In fact, I’m so impatient that I ended up going on a short trip in the summer.( Trip itself was great though, read the Jamaica post).

Anyway, this year I wanted to try something a little different. We knew we wanted to do the all-inclusive thing again but this time there were a few rules:

1. No children, don’t want to see them, hear, them smell them, or know that they exist.
2. Need better liquor, premium drinks, that crap they have at the resorts we’ve been to is like rubbing alchohol
3. 24 hour food options
4. A swim up room

There may have been a few other things on the wish list but those are the major ones. We’d been looking at the Secrets brand resorts in Mexico for a while and had pretty much decided to go to one. However when it came time to actually book the trip, due to my aforementioned procrastination, the price went up from around 1200$ per person to about $1700. Uh, no!

We went back to the drawing board. My partner found this place called El Dorado Royale and saw that they were also having an off-peak sale! We booked 5 days of “premium luxury” for about 1250$ pp. Now if you want a consolidated review type of explanation you can read the review I’ve posted here. This will be mostly about our experiences.

This is the first All-inclusive resort I’ve been too (now the fourth one ever) where the lobby is enclosed and air-conditioned. I didn’t really realize how important this was until I sat sweating in the hotel lobby attempting to enjoy drinks at the last three resorts. We were greeted with champagne when we arrived (nice) and the people at the check-in counter were fantastic.

We got a room that was perfectly located, 2 min walk to the pool, 30 seconds from the beach and we had a salt water pool right at our patio door (still trying to figure out the whole salt water thing, human brine?) So the first night we’re at the beach bar enjoying the cool summer night and drinking our premium long islands when we meet these three girls from North Carolina (or somewhere in the south). They’re the only other black folks we’ve encountered thus far so, my lady, being the extrovert she is (bless her) strikes up a conversation with them and by the end of the night we’ve been invited to their birthday party Saturday night in the lobby bar (we arrived on a Wednesday), which is cool.

The next couple of days were pretty chill, lots of pool time, I wanted to get a tan, she wanted to drink in the water but in the shade, lots of eating (all of the food was made to order, and fantastic, but wait times were off the chain). So fast forward to Friday afternoon and things start getting interesting…

In hindsight, I think that we may have been so excited about finding a place in our budget with everything on our wishlist that we forgot to consider one important thing:

SWINGERS!

Apparently, two women hugged up on each other in a pool is akin to an invitation to come hit on us.

Couple #1: 49 year old black dude and his 35 year old wife of Cambodian heritage. Again, we’re at the pool bar casually talking to people about where they’re from and what they do and how long they’ve been there and blah blah blah. When dude rolls up and introduces himself. Very nice guy, mentions that he’s a sheriff in the Midwest and we start talking about politics and how black people love Jesus and just having a grand ol time. Cue in his wife, also very nice very friendly and the four of us end up talking for at least a few hours(and also continuing to drink). At one point Mr. Sheriff says “y’all are together right, like a couple?” And we’re like “yup” and hes like okay cool. And we continue kickin it in the pool. After a few rounds of Don Julio shots Sheriff says to me “hey can I talk to you about something” and I’m like ‘sure’. Mind you I’ve been getting slightly gay vibes from this dude for a while so I’m thinking hes going to tell me about his secret desire for men.

So we go out in to the middle of the pool and he starts telling me a story about how his best friend from childhood is gay but still in the closet at 50 years old. He wants to know how he can encourage his friend to come out and just live his life happily. I’m looking at him like did he really just drop the “asking for a friend”  line on me but fine. I tell him that people really have to come out on their own time, but to just be supportive. Great, now lets go back to the bar. He goes on, ‘so hey I work with a girl that’s like you.’ And I’m like “meaning…?” He’s like “you’re like a stud right?” I reply, laughing “yes.”

He then proceeds to tell me about how him and this other masculine lesbian he works with have been having a sexual relationship for the last year and he has realized that he has a very strong attraction to masculine women, which for him and his wife is just perfect because she tends to like fems. I literally looked him in the face and say “i’m so happy for y’all.” He laughed, and mentioned that he and his wife have a 6am flight the next morning so they’re going to go back to their room to pack and would like for us to meet them at the beach bar later, and maybe “we can all have some fun tonight.” To which I reply: “Ew.” And I’m mad at him because he has now ruined our whole friendship. I tell him we’re not those lesbians that hookup with other couples, but thank you for the compliments (he had been telling me how attractive he thought I was since we swam away from our ladies).

He apologized, and said he didn’t mean to offended me but “I’m an opportunist and how would I know if I didn’t ask?” I just looked at him with one of my eyebrows raised. He then gave me his full name and told me to find him on Facebook so we could connect when he’s in Chicago visiting his family again. Also No.

Couple #2 Husband and Wife, both white, approximately 55-60 years old, from Milwaukee. So, we go to the on-resort dinner show they put on (which was really cute in their kitchen stadium type thing. ) it ends around 8:30 and we weren’t due to meet the ladies at the bar until 10. We decide to head to the bar early and have some drinks. We walk in and the place is pretty dead there is one couple sitting in the far back corner making out, and another couple sitting at a table not too far from the bar. We grab two open bar stools and start making conversation with the bartender. Next thing I know the couple that was just sitting at a table is now sitting beside us at the bar. In the back of my mind I’m like ‘oh boy here we go’.

Fortunately for  me, my lady is positioned between me and them so they start talking to her while I’m continuing my lesson with the bartender on the history of tequila. I’m eventually forced to make contact with these people but then our new friends show up and I think we’re saved. We got the bartender to change the music to hip hop so we’re all at the bar drinking, talkin crap, and having a good time. Meanwhile, this lady is downing chocolate martini’s and telling my gf how pretty she is. Every time I turn left to talk to her, I see the husband making his finest attempts to lock eyes with me and again I’m like “ew” Meanwhile this lady is still petting my gf’s hair and drinking these martinis.

At this point I’ve decided to full on disengage with these fools. I guess they threw in the towel and decided to leave. So they’re getting up, and the wife gives my lady a hug and tells us both what their room number is and asks that we please come join them in the pool outside their room for a night of fun before they leave tomorrow (something about that last night, I guess). The lady hugged me too and I patted her shoulder, and the guy comes up, gives me a firm hand shake and says “hope to see you later”. Ew.

Couple #3 Husband and wife, both white, mid 30’s from some random country ass part of Oklahoma.

This one was a doozy, y’all. So again, we’re in the pool bar chillin, and trying all of the  fruity drinks on the menu. It started raining, and while there weren’t many people in the pool to begin with, a lot of folks got out due to rain, leaving about 8 of us there. So I end up making small talk with this dude with a southern accent. He tells me he’s here with his wife (and points to her, shes talking to a few other women) and asks where I’m from. He legitimately seemed confused at first when I said my lady and I were together, “like a couple, like me and mah waf?!” (please read that in the countriest accent you can muster). I tell him yes and he says “ohhh so yer one of dem gays?! I ain’t never talked to a real gay beferr!” “We’ll here you are having a new experience, sir”.

For some unfortunate reason the pool par closes promptly at 5pm. So everyone gets out and makes their way over to the beach bar. Mr OKC’s wife has declared herself wasted and goes back to their room to sleep it off (those don juilo shots, man). At one point, Mr OKC declares himself a redneck, and then  a white supremacist Donald Trump voter, but also says “Man these Mexican women sure are pretty down here”, while we’re having a discussion about the irony that he supports the building of a border wall. I thought to explain this irony to him, but i quickly realized it would be lost on him when his next statement was “I ain’t never been with a black chick befo…especially one like you. Actually, yer like a boy, but pretty..is this weird?” And now I’m laughing at him because my presence in combination with tequila has sent him in to a state of confusion.

The conversation with this dude turned in to a soliloquy about how good looking both me and my girlfriend were and how he wishes he had the stamina to “conquer” us both.

In short, Mr. OKC was a white supremacist with a black girl fetish– That’s american as Apple Pie.

We did, however have a great time at the resort. We got a great deal on a triple pack of Speed Boats, JetSkis and Four wheelers!

AJ

 

P.S. Before y’all even ask, no we do not swing, not even on vacation. We are Leo’s, both of us, and don’t share.